The Story Of Noah Ryan
Born Sleeping in the arms of Jesus
February 27, 2002

My Husband and I got married July 31,1999. Right away we wanted
to become parents. We started trying for a family...it wasn't till 9 months
later when I got pregnant with our son,Jason Lee II born March 3,2001.

When he was 8 months old we found out were we expecting another baby..
We were so happy to be adding on to our happy family. My first doctors
appointment was January 7,2002. I was 10 weeks along and they did an
ultrasound to check on the baby. He was perfectly healthy , with a strong
heartbeat. I remember he was moving so much and the doctor pointed
out him waving..I started crying ! I was so happy. My husband Jason started
bouncing our 10 month old son Jason around saying "your gonna be
a big brother!! See!!"....That was the last time we saw our baby Alive.

My next appointment was on February 18,2002...Noah's heartbeat
was 144 beats per minute.. I loved hearing that sound..I miss hearing that sound.
I remember thinking how strong his heart was because my other sons heartbeat
was always 120-122 so 144 seemed really strong to me. I was 16 weeks along
and feeling him flutter all the time! Thats the best thing about being pregnant...
feeling the baby move inside you. Before I left the doctors office they scheduled
me for another appointment March 20,2002. This one was to find
out the sex of the baby and measure him... Sadly we never made it
to that appointment.

It was February 25,2002, My husband and I were laying
in bed and I started having some light cramping. But the doctor had told us that was
only my uterus stretching. So Jason rubbed my tummy and I fell asleep.
I awoke the next morning to my husband kissing me goodbye as he went
off to work. I was still having light cramping, but nothing that sent me
into too much pain. I took Jason Lee II down stairs for breakfast and
went to the bathroom...I discovered a tiny drop of blood . I told my mom and she
told me just to call the doctor and check with him. Honestly I wasn't worried.
I thought they would tell me that is normal ..But the nurse told me to come in for an
ultrasound to make sure the baby was ok...I called my husband and he
told me to call him when I got back.

So my mom , Jason Lee II and I went off to the doctors. It seemed
like forever before they called us in and they led me to the ultrasound room.
I layed on the table and the nurse began searching for Noahs heartbeat...
When she couldn't find it I started crying. She assured me the baby was fine
and that he was probably just "hiding". Another nurse came in and
she tried...No heartbeat was found. Again they told me the baby was only "hiding".
Thats when the doctor came in to do the ultrasound.he first started on my belly...
and I remember him saying "There's the baby...and there's the placenta and it looks
like the placenta is a little torn..that might be the reason for the bleeding."
I was so relieved when he said "There's the baby" I thought everything was ok.
He then said he wanted to do an internal ultrasound to see more clearly.
When he did that he got very silent and ask to see me in his private office...
I started crying and saying "Is my baby dead?" When no one calmed me..I knew.
The doctor called me in and had confirmed my worst nightmare. The baby's
heartbeat had stopped...He wouldn't be sure of what happened until the baby
was delivered. He told me I would have to go into Labor and
deliver him naturally... I couldn't believe they could be so cruel, but they
said this was the best was to prevent scaring .

I called my husband from the doctors office...He started crying and
saying "NO NO"... I felt like I had let him down..That somehow my body killed
my baby as I slept. He told me he would meet me at home to take me to the
hospital..I made him promise to drive carefully. We said
our "I love you's" and said goodbyes.

My mom and I drove home with tears in our eyes..My precious son
was in the backseat..so innocent..so unaware of what had happened.I am
thankful for his innocence. When we pulled in the driveway my
husband rushed out to me and pulled me in his arms crying. I kept
apologizing to him and he kept saying "It's not your fault." I called
my sister out of state to tell her what had happened, she was
coming to visit in 2 days,she started screaming..we hung
up and headed to the hospital.

I was put on the labor and Delivery floor.I just cried and screamed.
I couldn't understand why God would let this happen to me... I am a Christian,
I go to church every Sunday, I teach Sunday school to kids, I sing my son to
sleep with songs about Jesus. I just didn't understand. I prayed
for this baby, I prayed for this baby's safety. And now my baby was dead
and I couldn't do a thing about it. Family came and visited me in the
hospital. I can't even remember who was all there because I was in shock.
They put me on some seditives to calm me down... But they didn't seem to help.
The nurses explained to me what would happen and what the baby
would look like. I just stared at the ceiling wanting it all to go away..
to wake up from this nightmare. My husband Asked for another
ultrasound to be done before they induced me. He wanted to see for himself
before they made that final step. There on the screen was my baby..
He looked like he was just sleeping, but there was no heart movement to
be found. He then asked to do a check for his heartbeat through
the microphone. He just didn't want to believe what was obvious to everyone else.
I looked up at him with tears in my eyes and said
"honey I can't go through anymore our baby is dead." So he shook his
head and sat down next to me holding my hand.

It was late at night when my mom left the hospital to help my dad
take care of my son Jason Lee II at home. She said to call her when the
contractions started and she would come back. They gave
me a pill to send me into labor. I remember waking up about 4:00 am
February 27,2002 with mild contractions. I told my husband and
he called my mom and she headed to the hospital. By the time she got there they had
gave me more pain-meds and I was back to sleep. When I awoke my mom was
sleeping on the couch bed in the room and my husband was sleeping
on a chair beside me. The contractions started getting really bad. I
screamed and asked for an epidural, but they wouldn't give me one.
The pain was more than I had ever felt giving birth to my son Jason.
I couldn't believe they would let me suffer this much pain, knowing
I was to go home empty handed.

At 8:17 am February 27,2002 Noah Ryan was born sleeping.
The nurse wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to me.
He was so small, only 9 inches long and a quarter of a pound,
But so precious!! His eyes were open. They were a dark blue color.
He seemed so perfect. I then handed him to his daddy and passed
out from the drugs. I awoke later that afternoon and I got to hold
Noah Ryan for about 2 hours. He layed beside me and I sang to him
and kissed him. I told him how much mommy loved him and how
I wished he was still inside me kicking and growing.

Everyone had told us that we couldn't burry him. But my husband
wouldn't hear of it. Even though the hospital said they would take care of
his body I wanted a place to go..to visit him. So Jason made funeral
arrangements the rest of the day. When the funeral home came
to get Noah's body I cried saying goodbye. I wanted to take him home.
I didn't want him to go. The nurse took him out of my arms and told Jason
to hold me. I cried soo hard begging him not to go.

I was released from the hospital. I was going home empty
handed while all the other mommy s were taking their new babies home.
I hated that! I hated that I took so good care of myself
and still I lost my baby despite the best of effort.

Noah Ryan was layed to rest March 4,2002 at 11:00 am,
the day after my son Jason's birthday. I was filled with grief
and a question WHY? That WHY? will never be answered.
All the doctors could tell me was that the placenta pulled
away from the uterus..They called it a "fluke".

I am writing this two weeks from the last time I held my
precious baby in my arms. But forever will I hold him in my heart.
Some days seem unbareable. People tell me it will get easier with time,
but I wonder. It's hard to be myself these days..I want to be myself for
my husband and for my earthly son, but a big part of me has died
along with Noah Ryan.

The hospital gave me the Blanket he was wrapped him,
pictures, his baby ring, a small angel,
the Teddy bear he held in his pictures, and a rose that
layed next to him. I will forever treasure
those items that once touched my precious son.

Noah Ryan I if you can see me right now know that
your Mommy, Daddy, and Brother Jason love you dearly.
I pray each night that God let me hold you in my
dreams. So if you can hear me meet me tonight in my
dreams and we can hold each other until I awake in the
morning. I love you

Love Mommy, Daddy and Big brother Jason Lee